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A recent
nationwide survey found 70% of married couples disagree about
finances --starting on the honeymoon. "When you're
dating, your differences can be intriguing," says Ruth
L. Hayden, author of For Richer, Not Poorer, The Money Book
For Couples. "But when you're trying to decide
what you each have to sacrifice to help make ends meet, those
differences can spark anger, insecurity or resentment."
Resist
the urge to take on additional debt during a recession....
"You need to get through this short period of time without
creating any long-term negative consequences," says Hayden.
As you hear reports of gloom and doom from financial forecasters,
try to keep your perspective: Economic cycles go up and down.
"Tell yourselves, 'This is not the way life's always
going to be, '" says Hayden. "Things are bound to
get better before too long."
Parents Magazine, “Recession-Proof Your
Marriage.” September, 2008
***
The
courage to face your financial reality today—the courage to
choose responsible action and face the truth of your situation
today—is your first step toward safety and peace of mind tomorrow.
Even though it's a scary undertaking and doesn't feel safer,
it is, in fact, with a doubt always safer to know. You
need to ask, “How much money is in my checking account, today?
My savings account? My wallet? How much debt do I owe and
to whom? How much money have I put away for retirement and
where is it today? When you are willing to ask and
answer these questions, you are on your way to creating financial
safety for yourself and your future.
The Phoenix, Regret-Free Living: A Conversation with
Ruth Hayden (August 2008)
***
How
can a couple successfully blend two styles of investing?
UNDERSTAND GENDER BIASES. In general, experts say men tend
to be more willing than women to tolerate volatility in financial
matters. Men also are more likely to talk about money
with their peers. “As a gender, men chase returns and have
lower rates of return,” says Hayden. Women are often less
willing to risk money they've worked hard for. Neither approach
is absolutely right. Conservative types may go broke safely,
Hayden says, because they often put money “in places where
there is no hope it will be able to keep up with inflation.”
But overly aggressive behavior can also lead to financial
ruin .
Metlifeyourlife.com , He Says, She Says, by
Caralee Adams
***
"...
Randy Shuldt, a vice president with IHateFinancialPlanning.com
, a new web site devoted to the more than 75 percent
of Americans who hate financial planning, says the key to
talking about money in a relationship is to start early. Schuldt,
who's happily married and the father of two, says it's paramount
to understand each partner's savings and spending habits.
Because it's not easy to talk about money, web sites like
IHateFinancialPlanning.com
can serve as a source to initiate the conversation.
I also highly recommend the new book by Ruth Hayden, For
Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples. "
Brides
and Grooms , News Gleaner, Philadelphia, PA.
***
If
money is a sore spot in your marriage, you are probably inclined
to keep discussions to a minimum. But you should commit to
a quick once-a-week check-in - about 30 minutes - to go over
routine things like paying bills or deciding immediate spending
questions, says Ruth Hayden, author of "For Richer, Not
Poorer: The Money Book for Couples." That way you can
air concerns before resentments pile up.
Money
Magazine One Family, Two Portfolios (Feb. 15, 2008)
***
You
should also draft a document that lists what jobs each of
you will be responsible for. Who is in charge of paying the
bills?
"Give
yourself a title and write a job description," says Ruth
Hayden, a family business counselor and author of "For
Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples." "It's
one way to avoid stepping on each other's toes."
Money
Magazine Business Partners in Love (Jan. 30,
2008)
***
Get
on the same page: Rory concedes that he'll need to
make some changes."I'm just going to acquiesce,"
he says. But Ruth Hayden, a St. Paul financial educator who
counsels couples, warns that this approach won't work in the
long term because no one can alter his financial personality
that easily.
Instead,
Rory and Michele need to find a middle ground. For instance,
Hayden says Michele might enjoy life more if she were a bit
less cautious about money. And Michele admits that she admires
Rory's generosity, such as his willingness to pay for nights
out with friends who earn less than he does.
One
solution: The pair should keep individual and household accounts.
Rory can deposit several thousand dollars each month into
a checking account earmarked for joint expenses. With what's
left he can pay down his debt and spend as he desires.
Money
Magazine Odd Couple: When Financial Opposites Attract (Nov.
29, 2007)
***
Fear
of coming clean with your partner
You
know it's bad. So bad you'd really rather keep it to yourself.
Why, you figure, ruin your partner's day with news of your
mounting debt or the fact that you've been living off your
savings?
Because
if you don't, the truth will out at the worst possible time
-- like when you go to apply for a mortgage and realize that
your credit score or lack of savings is killing your chances
of getting that house your partner loves. "Then that
creates a double problem. Knowing is safer," said Ruth
Hayden, author of "For Richer, Not Poorer: The Money
Book for Couples."
Chances
are you're afraid that your partner will think less of you
and want to leave you or, possibly worse, try to control every
dollar you spend from now on.
But
remember, Hayden said, "you're more than money - there
are so many more facets to a relationship. Plus, everyone
has some kind of a downside. And money baggage is easier to
deal with than others."
Try
this: Have the conversation no matter what. It may
be uncomfortable but it will pay off down the line, Hayden
said. Then make an agreement about what you both want to achieve
(e.g., pay down debt, save more for retirement, buy a house)
and agree on what you'll both do (and won't do) to reach that
goal. Beyond that, allow each other autonomy money - money
you can spend that the other person can't question.
Money
Magazine Beat Back Five Financial Fears
(May 29, 2007 )
***
Solving
Relationship Money Problems-interview Mar. 31, 2008 deals
with the following questions:
•What
seems to be the problem when couples and money collide?
•In
your book For Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples
, you outline the four cornerstones of a “healthy money
partnership.” Please explain these.
•How
does an individual's societal and familial background with
money influence their current management of it?
•What
do you do to help people get better at solving relationship
money problems?
•Can
you give us some examples of couples reducing the emotions
surrounding money and learning to trust one another?
•What
tools do you recommend for helping couples come to better
solutions?
Click
on the following link to read the entire article.
http://save.lovetoknow.com/Solving_Relationship_Money_Problems:_Ruth_Hayden_Interview
***
“We
often choose a mate because of differences, which are intriguing
at first,” Hayden said. “Those differences lose their
appeal when two people with different spending and saving
habits butt heads.”
Love
& Money , (February 12, 2004), Star
Tribune
***
Raskin
Resources 142: How To Make Your Money Life Work.
Interview
on Positive Living, giving advice on day-to-day money management,
on financial expectations of couplehood, and on applying tried-and-true
principles with ease and effectiveness.
http://www.raskinresources.com/Articles&Columns/142-RuthHayden.htm
***
“The
biggest mistake women make is not putting any money away for
themselves. Women have college funds for their children
before they start retirement funds for themselves”
Minnesota
Women's Press Do women handle money differently?
(December, 2004)
***
"It
never has made sense to me to divorce because of money issues--because
they only get worse with divorce. But we know money is high
on the list for reasons marriages fail. So get some money
training! Inevitably, you'll find yourself somewhere in the
pages of For Richer, Not Poorer -and you'll find
usable answers and solutions as well. First there's information
on discovering things about yourselves and your relationship
to money, then how to talk to each other about it, then how
to work with each other about money--and coming from the position
of being on the same side. Ruth Hayden makes dealing with
money easier--and more fun--than you thought it could be.
Don't deny yourself this valuable information!"
Marriage
Magazine
***
"The
real issue for most couples is fairness: 'If you get yours,
will I get mine.' We somehow marry our opposites. When we
are dating, we are stimulated by someone who is very different
from us. But in a longer-term relationship, we are frightened
by it." Hayden tries to teach partners to compromise
without feeling that they are giving up their autonomy.
Kiplinger's
Personal Finance Magazine
***
As
a financial consultant, I know that when couples list money
as the primary reason they are getting divorced, the problems
are not about money itself. The unresolvable problems are
about how, and if, each member of the couple will get what
(s)he wants and needs.
Marriage
Magazine
Internet
How
to (gently) Toss Your Boomerang Kid. Jay MacDonald interviews
Ruth at Bank Rate.com. "When financial educator Ruth
Hayden counsels couples on how to cope with 'boomerang kids'
who suddenly return to the nest, she speaks from experience."
http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/pf/20050909a1.asp
Gender
Spender: Sex Sets Your Money DNA. Jay MacDonald interviews
Ruth Hayden at Bank Rate.com. "When it comes to money,
men and women view it, spend it and invest it very differently."
http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/sav/20000620.asp
For
richer or poorer ... or according to the postnuptial agreement
Jay MacDonald interviews Ruth at Bank Rate.com. A prenuptial
agreement between Hollywood's rich and famous often makes
headlines, but it has a less glamorous cousin, the postnup.
And average Americans are increasingly turning to this post-wedding
paperwork to salvage shaky marriages.
http://www.bankrate.com/yho/news/advice/20021021a.asp
Are
You cheating on your spouse with money? Jay MacDonald
interviews Ruth at Bank Rate.com. (January 2008) If you've
ever hidden a purchase from your spouse or secreted away some
household cash for a rainy day, you hereby have been deemed
financially unfaithful and may now commence the walk of shame.
http://www.foxbusiness.com/story/til-death----money---/
Are
You a tax procrastinator? Jay MacDonald interviews
Ruth at Bank Rate.com. April 2008) On the pain scale, preparing
income taxes falls somewhere between a visit to the doctor
and a visit to the dentist. All are necessary in the long
run, but oh so easy to put off until tomorrow, or the next
day, or the day after that.
http://finance.yahoo.com/taxes/article/104837/Are-You-a-Tax-Procrastinator
How
to hassle the pal who owes you.
Jay MacDonald interviews Ruth at Bank Rate.com
Lend money to a friend and you might lose both, the old saying
says. If you do it, make sure there are no misunderstandings.
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/MoneyInYour20s/HowtoHassleThePalWhoOwesYou.aspx?page=all&vv=600
10
steps to a money-smart divorce. Jay MacDonald
interviews Ruth at Bank Rate.com.
No matter how intense your emotions, it's important
to remember that ending a marriage is in fact a business deal.
Here are moves to make sure you don't get taken. When
your marriage breaks up, the last thing you feel like doing
is crunching numbers. You're hurt, perhaps angry, and possibly
overwhelmed with anxiety, fear and despair. You're focused
on the past and present, not the future.
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/SuddenlySingle/10stepsToAMoneySmartDivorce.aspx?page=all
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